Tim Keller on The Jealousy of God

This is a really great talk from Pastor Tim Keller on the Jealousy of God. God's law, his creation of man and woman and the sending of his Son all reveal a God who is passionately in love with his people. He doesn't just want us to serve him out of obligation, he declares to us, "Love me with all you are as I love you."

Jealousy of God

Marriage, Relationships, and the Importance of Forgiveness

Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate 
hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another 
and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other;
as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.
And above all these put on love, which binds everything together
in perfect harmony. ~Colossians 3:12-14

A series of articles last year caught my attention.  It was by a married couple and they were sharing their struggle of the husbands' addiction to porn and the wife’s difficult task of forgiving and aiding her husband.  It reminded how important and powerful the role of forgiveness plays in any healthy and successful marriage.  Here are the articles…

What Porn Does to Relationships Pt. 1
What Porn Does to Relationships Pt. 2
What Porn Does to Relationships Pt. 3

They’re well worth the read. I was especially moved by Rachel’s heart to forgive her husband.  Here’s a portion of the article…

At the same time as John was presented with the decision to turn from addiction, I was faced with a similar choice: forgive him for what he had done, or not? Before all of this happened, I used to think I would forgive anyone unconditionally, especially those close to me. But when he confessed, I was hurt more deeply than I had ever imagined possible. He had promised to love and cherish only me on our wedding day, and yet, after only four months of marriage, he had broken that very promise.

I didn’t know how to respond.

I knew I should forgive him, but there was a part of me that didn’t want to do so. I didn’t want to trust him, or even let him look at me, much less be vulnerable and open with him. I feared he would just betray me again.

So I prayed.

I wanted to forgive him, but I didn’t know how. What would true forgiveness look like? How would I act? Would I ever be able to fully trust him? I asked God many, many questions that night, and He responded. He told me I had two choices: I could be hurt, angry, bitter, closed off and never trust my husband again, or I could truly, wholeheartedly forgive him and trust that God had brought us together for a reason. God made it clear the first choice would result in further damage to our marriage, alienating us from each other and preventing reconciliation and healing from even beginning. The second, however, would allow God to begin healing the damage immediately. It would still be a process, but it wouldn’t be delayed or drag on.

But what did that choice mean?

It meant forgiving him. Trusting him again as if he had never betrayed me. It meant handing over my heart once again and letting go of all of the anger, hurt, and bitterness. It meant moving on and having honest conversations. It meant being vulnerable and open with him. It meant exposing myself to possible rejection. It meant being selfless and putting his needs above my desire for control or my pain, putting the good of our marriage above what I felt was good for me. It meant letting go of my right to get even. It would be extremely hard and would require sacrifice, but it would be worth it.

After a few days of deliberation and struggle, I chose to forgive him, and it was quite possibly the most difficult decision I have ever made. It required me to believe in him again, to trust him with my heart and give myself to him again. On that day, I chose to let him in and asked him to be open with me about his struggle so we could fight it alongside each other by working through the issues and deep wounds caused by his addiction.

I have never looked back.

Wow, what a powerful story of forgiveness and marital reconciliation. 

Forgiveness only happens when one takes the time to think through your actions, emotions, and feelings and honestly say, “I was wrong” and “I am sorry;” and it means you take responsibility to confess your anger, self-centeredness, preoccupation, dissatisfaction, etc….  Forgiveness only happens when one accepts these sincere apologies and does not bring up past hurts as a club of resentment.  Moreover, it is the ability to release an offense and not hold a grudge. 

Pondering the Apostle's words, “forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive” (Col. 3:13), how can we forgive as God has forgiven us?  I know no other way but by embracing the message of the cross.

The cross means, at the least, that God so hates evil and injustice that he was/is willing to come suffer himself in order to end it.  And in doing so, through the cross, God also reveals his relentless love for people corrupt with evil and injustice, by Jesus bearing the guilt and shame of their sin. God hates evil - he will not and cannot tolerate it and one day he will bring everyone before him to give an account; but, at the same time, he overcomes evil in the human heart through love and forgiveness – this is the promise to those who receive the transforming Gospel of Jesus Christ. Both of these truths, God’s justice and forgiveness, are absolutely essential in our understanding and application  forgiveness.

Author and professor, Miroslav Volf puts it perfectly:

Forgiveness flounders because I exclude the enemy from the community of humans and exclude myself from the community of sinners. But no one can be in the presence of [the Cross] for long without overcoming this double exclusion....When one knows that the torturer will not eternally triumph over the victim, one is freed to rediscover the torturer's humanity and imitate God's love for that person. And when one knows that the love of God is greater than [my] sin, one is free to see oneself in the light of the justice of God and so rediscover one's own sinfulness. (Volf, The Spacious Heart)

May God, through the Gospel, soften our hearts so we never exclude one from receiving forgiveness.  And may this pattern of forgiveness begin in our marriages.

Marriage + Gospel

There’s no joy like marital joy; and there’s no pain like marital pain.  Healthy marriages don’t just happen, they need to be cultivated.  Recently, Timothy Keller came out with a fantastic book on the subject – The Meaning of Marriage.  I highly recommend it.

Timothy Keller writes:

The reason that marriage is so painful and yet wonderful is because it is a reflection of the Gospel, which is painful and wonderful at once. The Gospel is—we are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared to believe, and at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope. This is the only kind of relationship that will really transform us. Love without truth is sentimentality; it supports and affirms us but keeps us in denial about our flaws. Truth without love is harshness; it gives us information but in such a way that we cannot really hear it. God’s saving love in Christ, however, is marked by both radical truthfulness about who we are and yet also radical, unconditional commitment to us. The merciful commitment strengthens us to see the truth about ourselves and repent. The conviction and repentance moves us to cling to and rest in God’s mercy and grace.
The hard times of marriage drive us to experience more of this transforming love of God. But a good marriage will also be a place where we experience more of this kind of transforming love at a human level.

Take the the time to listen to Tim and Kathy talk about marriage, covenant, compatibility, and love at the recent Gospel Coalition’s Women’s Conference.  It will be well worth your time…

Love + Marriage + Singleness

Currently, at Grace Church, we are in a series on the first 11 chapters of the book of Genesis called, GENESIS: The Promise.

In Genesis chapter 2, we are introduced to the human need for relationship as God says - "it is not good for man to be alone.”  There's a communal quality to humanity in which we only function properly and rightly when connected to others.  We are introduced to the need for relationship through a description of the pinnacle of human relationship - a marriage between a man and a woman.  In the beginning, relationship and human community was wonderful, safe, and full of love.  Genesis 2 concludes with man and woman living in God's paradise, Eden, and being comfortably naked and warmly secure within each other's presence. Everything was as it was supposed to be.

It would be wonderful if that's the kind of world we live in.  But Genesis 3 describes the account of how everything went wrong, how Eden was lost, and how God's good creation came undone.  Sin came in and immediately brought a disconnected and self-centered shame between the man and woman.  They covered themselves from one another, they hid from God, they blamed one another, and they longed for autonomy.  Along with this great fall came everything we hate – fear, embarrassment, shame, disconnectedness, and other types of relational pain.

Essentially, though we still long for healthy connectedness, human relationships became harmful and toxic.  And, as demonstrated with Cain + Abel, we have a tendency to hurt those ones who are closest to us.

We need God's healing and help. 

We need a Gospel pronouncement of hope and correction.

We long for healthy connectedness and only God can give it.

So, this Sunday, November 4th, Steve Lee will be addressing the pinnacle of human connectedness - marriage. Whether you are married or single, this Sunday's topic is an essential one; and all of us, no matter the season of life we may find ourselves, need the guidance of God's right way in interacting with others.

If you are married, you already well know the joys and pains of marriage; and you also know the help we need from God's word and our church community in order to have a thriving marital relationship.  This Sunday, and next week's Community Group discussions, will be a great assistance to you.

If you are single, this Sunday's message, and next week's Community Group discussions, can help you prepare for what's next in your life, equip you to come along side your married friends (offering prayerful and practical help), and enlarge your understanding of God's correct way of living in every category of life – including love, relationships, sex, and marriage.

It’s been a while since I posted anything on marriage or relationships, so…

Here are some recent, and very helpful, resources on Love + Marriage + Singleness:

You May Never Marry Right Person – How Our Culture Misunderstands Compatibility
Timothy Keller explains why the quest for compatibility seems to be so impossible.

7 Ways to Destroy a Marriage
Perry Noble shares 7 sure ways to bring great harm to your marriage.

The Truth about Marital Compatibility – For Singles and Married Couples
Phil Smidt shares 5 questions for singles and marrieds about compatibility.

The Meaning of Marriage – Introduction
The Introduction to Timothy Keller’s new book on marriage.

Lastly, here’s a wonderful interview with Tim and Kathy Keller about singleness, relationships, marriage, and sex…